The flat haps

Today, while I was at my sister’s office, I had to wait for her boyfriend/business partner to stop listening to some bullshit country song about “the American man”.  The song listed in full detail why Americans are the best type of person there is, ever was and ever will be.  I was waiting for him to give me a thumbnail drive that held photos that I am to work on, print and then hang on the walls of their office.  I am being paid to do this.  How much?  Don’t know yet.  They make a lot of money.  My sister owns an energy company.  I wouldn’t be surprised if I get $1000 to do this.

And as I stood there, looking out the 24th floor window onto rainy Dallas, TX, I thought to myself:

“What’s better:  having above average intelligence with below average confidence, or the exact opposite?”

John, my sister’s boyfriend, is the perfect example of that opposite version.  He is a big dude.  He has the arms of a guy that works out non-stop, but the gut of a man that eat’s Wendys everyday.  There was, in fact, a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder wrapper next to his desk on the floor.  He talks the talk and appears to walk the walk, as he does have a significant amount of liquid and non-liquid assets.   The guy is a go-getter, there’s no doubt about it.  He gets money like 50 Cent.

But, c’mon now.  I, a steadily average guy, wouldn’t trade my life with his… ass loads of money or not.  I just wouldn’t and couldn’t do it.  Right after the country song, he called me into his office and handed to me, without looking, the CAP to the thumbnail drive.   I politely asked him for the drive.  He turned around and looked me dead in the eye and said, “What do you think I just gave you?”  I pointed to the thumbnail drive still in the USB drive and said, “The cap to that?”  He looked, noticed his retardedness, took it out and handed it to me, again without looking at me.  Simple mistake?  Sure man, sure.

Stupid is born and bred, right here in the heartland.  The bible belt.  The most flourished mindset is the hatred for those different than “us”, and I’m right in the middle of it all.  I dare not open my mouth.

What did I do?  Get me out of here.

The other night I met a girl at a party who asked for my number. Soon after, she left. The following is a complete list of text messages I received from the time she left the party to the time she fell asleep (passed out?) I’m not including any of my replies because I think it makes this whole thing even funnier.

In chronological order (first to last):

What up 16 yr old art student…

Whats your deal? Im sure youll be cool once your balls drop.

Fuck yeah! I have band aids for days if you really need them…

Oats need to relax when their in water. Also i like when the heater is on 8 because thats as far as it will go. Also brass monkeys are better than holey shoes. Also i need smokes…..

My oats are now rested. I live in the mission. Where are your holey shoes?

Weak sauce. Also oats are good for oatmeal. Also that is what im eating. Also oats are good with dates which is also what im eating. Also i like kermit the frog.

Oh My god. No way. I totally put bananas on my cereal too!!! Lets be friends. Obviously.

And wallow in the sandy moonlight. Sounds romantical…

Also i just put a peanut in my oatmeal. Also i am watching planet earth and getting high….

21st and florida mothafucka! Im stoned…

I want to hug polar bears!

Hugging polar bears, finding unicorns and also extincting a species. All in the next date… Also how many pigeons do you think bums eat a day?

Also i do not think i like killer whales. They are mean.

Micah says she sounds like my perfect match, because she’s weird. Whatever that means, Micah…I think it sounds like an adventure. A funny one.

Yes thank you, this is preferable
All females present should follow my lead by by vigorously hitting the ground with the balls of their feet

I’ve experienced a similar situation many times in the past
So I regret to inform you that things may not pan out the way you originally intended
This is due to the fact that I am not a hollaback girl
To reiterate, I am not a hollaback girl
(x2)

Ooooh, this is preferable, I enjoy this thoroughly
(x4)

It has come to my attention that you’ve been speaking poorly of me
And that you failed to consider my reaction based on my awareness of the topic
Others have overheard this intemperance that you speak, thus creating a rather negative series of detest-oriented outcries
With that said, I’m not only fully prepared to move forward with haste toward the skirmish, I will also be the commander of a small battalion of those who agree with me and my standpoint
I will obtain the largest amount of points accessible in a single American football play, then I will remove you entirely from our location
That’s correct, please relocate your cheer leading inspiration apparatuses, I fear that you are creating a rather negative series of detest-oriented outcries

I’ve experienced a similar situation many times in the past
So I regret to inform you that things may not pan out the way you originally intended
This is due to the fact that I am not a hollaback girl
To reiterate, I am not a hollaback girl
(x2)

Ooooh, this is preferable, I enjoy this thoroughly
(x4)

Everything I’ve stated and predicted thus forth is true and probable madam,  our interaction shall eventuate at the designated seating zone for the high school American football enthusiasts
You won’t need to worry about any authority figures attending because they, fortunately for me, were not invited
And though both parties enmeshed in the dispute will put forth massive effort to secure their own triumph, only a single entity will persevere.

I shall traverse, all possible consideration and determination will be put into action on my end
You will expeditiously collide with the surface of our battlefield, because you will suffer injury from swift and methodical clout
Be aware, for I will surely maintain proper posture in a my stance throughout the duration of our campaign, and it would appear as if yet another individual has fallen victim to consuming a substantial amount of microscopic carbon residue

I’ve experienced a similar situation many times in the past
So I regret to inform you that things may not pan out the way you originally intended
This is due to the fact that I am not a hollaback girl
To reiterate, I am not a hollaback girl
(x2)

Ooooh, this is preferable, I enjoy this thoroughly
(x4)

I would be pleased to hearken upon your announcement, this situation is not unlike that of a fruit commonly blossoming from the plant genus Musa
M-U-S-A-F-R-U-I-T
This situation is not unlike that of a fruit commonly blossoming from the plant genus Musa
M-U-S-A-F-R-U-I-T
To redouble, This situation is not unlike that of a fruit commonly blossoming from the plant genus Musa
M-U-S-A-F-R-U-I-T
This situation is not unlike that of a fruit commonly blossoming from the plant genus Musa
M-U-S-A-F-R-U-I-T

I’ve experienced a similar situation many times in the past
So I regret to inform you that things may not pan out the way you originally intended
This is due to the fact that I am not a hollaback girl
To reiterate, I am not a hollaback girl
(x2)

Ooooh, this is preferable, I enjoy this thoroughly
(x4)

Here’s a little audio clip from Bjork’s visit to our Super Bowl party.

These two are some of the most retarded assholes on the face of the planet. Maybe somewhere near the Earth’s core there might be someone/something even more dumb. Probably not. Anyways, this is a video of Knuckles ( wearing the white trunks ) doing the whole “making cookies” thing on my comforter. Whilst doing this he not only is clawing holes in my duvet cover… he’s also humping it. He does this all the damn time. And rocket scientist Jo Jo ( wearing the black trunks ) couldn’t care less. I like that about her, actually.

The latest piece of amazing to come out of the 323. More to come.

Micah is a mysterious creature. He can’t wash a dish to save his life but he has absolutely no problems playing X-box, WoW, and talking about dinner all at the same time. Magical.

Yeah, it totally sucks when people die. Death is a very uncool thing unless you’re living the “gothic” romanto-death lifestyle. For the rest of us, we don’t enjoy that special moment when your heart stops beating and you don’t exist anymore.

Unfortunately for Heath Ledger, he found himself at that moment. Normally I don’t give a shit about famous person deaths in the news, let alone celebrity life at all. However, working for a news organization, I often find myself checking out what my coworkers have to say on the situation. This brings me to the annoying statement I continue to read, not only at Salon, but at news sites around the Internet.

“He was naked and face down on his mattress with a pill bottle next to his body.”

…naked, near pills…”

“…including sleeping pills, were found in the actor’s SoHo apartment, police said.”

Seriously now. People have pills in their houses. Everyone has pills in their houses. We have several pill bottles in our house and I have pill bottles in my room. What the shit does that matter?

What is the point of making a death into a huge deal and especially making it into a huge deal about suicide when that’s most likely not what happened? His family has come out and denied a suicide. His friends have denied it. Yet you’ll have no problem finding hundreds of thousands of articles and blog posts on “Heath Ledger suicide.” Suicide is so hot right now.

Also, did you see Ledger on Digg yesterday? The internet community loves a good death/suicide of someone famous. If Dead Heath Ledger and Dead Anna Nicole Smith were to fight, who would win? Both deaths are most likely caused from an accidental drug overdose, but fuck it! Lets say they killed themselves and are now battling it out in Purgatory! Digg that death match! (X-posted: Kristopherrr)

Graham has a bunch of videos that need to be posted on here for humor’s sake.

Micah needs to finish the layout so we’re not so boring looking.

Patric needs to get an account and start posting.

Jordan needs to move back.

Can you guys all get your shit together please?